I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
we're so committed to being not committed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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