508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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