you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
