So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
