I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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