There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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