Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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