I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
