So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
