Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need water and some morals
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
