Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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