He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
