I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
