I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
