so explain again why im purple
no
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize