I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
false alarm, still single
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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