I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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