hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We have started to decorate penises.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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