So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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