I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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