Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
