that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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