I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize