Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
