You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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