who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
