Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
