Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
