i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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