My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
