i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we're making bets on your personal life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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