hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
