I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
