How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
