Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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