I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
