remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize