It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
