I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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