I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
