Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
