i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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