that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize