I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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