I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
