so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
