I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
