Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
