Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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