she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
