just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
