I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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