I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
