So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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