i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
