your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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