So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
