just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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