He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
