We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
