my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize