if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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